Wow, that was really inspiring Troisnyx! :D I'm glad to hear you've come so far! Also, thanks for wishing the NGAUC participants well. We need the advertisement. ;P Haha...
Composer, percussionist, artist, self-backing choir.
For inquiries, composition comms, art comms, or session work, HMU at mail@troisnyx.co.uk
Annette Walker
@Troisnyx
Age 33, she/they
Choir Director
Lancashire, UK
Joined on 6/26/11
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Comments
This is only a step in the journey, I can tell you that much. : )
As for the NGAUC, I did appreciate my judging runs very much that I felt I ought to have said something about it.
Seeing thinks in black in white really helps me get motivated and continue to move on, even if the rules that I'm making myself believe in are utterly false and are viewed by others like I'm insane.
If you put things realistically, then there is a lot of uncertainty, a lot of random occasions which affect our lives, most of them do not depend on our will. What is there to believe in? Am I just going to let things happen on their own and wait? No. I'm not that kind of person.
I do understand you've come a long way and at times you were hopeless. I guess you have noticeable musical talent, which your friends and the world around you decided to support at times of your will due to good will. Even if it's not like that, that's how it looks like to me.
It certainly looks like that to me. Uncertainty came about because of a number of questions I had in my mind (don't all of us do the same?).
Not all stories have a happy ending. Things have only been going downhill for me. I had to quit college, I have become unable to work jobs that I previously could handle, I am frequently depressed for no reason and without energy or motivation, it is difficult to sleep- where am I to draw creative energy from? Will my story have a happy ending? I hope so. But if my life only continues down into ruin... that is not preferable, but it is fine.
Not that I'll accept "defeat". I keep fighting. Which only makes it more painful. But I'm not really the "giving up" sort of person.
Sorry to be depressing, but I just felt like your post was unrealistically optimistic as if all people have a chance for "success". Some people are born totally disabled and helplessly live their entire lives like that.
IDK.
That's the whole purpose of fighting. If there's no optimism, however realiatic or not, I find that there'd be nothing to fight for. Like you, I, too, am often depressed -- but my optimism comes from the deep hope that these bad moments, too, shall pass.
For example, I went through suicidal stage some six years ago after my mother died. Why I did, sometimes, is beyond me, because I didn't receive the best treatment from her -- but now, I am coming to grips with the fact that life is worth living and fighting for.
The reason I hold on to that optimism is because I believe, even when there's little reason to. Heck, even disabled people may sometimes hold on to that, even when we able-bodied people can't see why they do. Out there are people who love us and believe in us. Out there, and in our hearts, is the One who loves us. As long as this is the case, there is always reason to hold on to hope, however faint or strong it may seem.
Maybe you are right. Maybe you are right. Thank you. Let's keep fighting.
I need to remind myself of this too. Let us keep fighting. It has never been said it'd be easy, but I wholeheartedly trust it'll be worth it.
kkots
Only those who really want to get what they want will get what they want.
Those who don't really want to get what they want won't get what they want.
Troisnyx (Updated )
Sometimes it may be in black and white, the disposition of someone who either wants to use his talents well, or otherwise.
I remember being constrained by lack of equipment to the point that it felt hopeless for me to go on, and I don't doubt there are others feeling similarly. Some are constrained by their musical ability, funds, voice, confidence, overconfidence, attitude, or sometimes just overall bad circumstances. I hope and pray they'll plough on -- though that decision is left to them.
At some point I feel I ought to share with you the full account of my musical journey. I shared it with only two people thus far; I am not in a position to let anyone and everyone read it, but I'll willingly share it with my friends and a select few others. I'm still trying to heal.