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nonprofit composer + artist • she/her • loves drums • advocate for emotional literacy in music • meep • EN/FR OK

Annette Singh @Troisnyx

30, Female


Lancashire, UK

Joined on 6/26/11

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If anyone cares anymore

Posted by Troisnyx - October 31st, 2014

The last piece of music I submitted on NG had a great show of apathy from many whom I hold in high regard and consider friends. I've also noticed that over the last few months, comments on my posts have greatly decreased.

I feel greatly disillusioned with my talents... no, let me rephrase that. At times I feel sick, tired, DONE with this, I feel as if I am throwing my music to a blooming brick wall! I am at the point of resolving never to compose or draw ever again. At times I have relented upon being given encouragement from those dear to me, but the hurt just comes back.

And I asked for prayers and/or good thoughts for my fiancé's mother, who has been diagnosed with cancer, in the last post, only to have no response on the matter.

I do not ask to be famous. I only ask to have support from my friends -- which, over these last few months, has been sorely lacking -- except for a few kind-hearted souls, you know who you are.

I accept that I bowed out of the Deathmatch fairly -- but some posters (some of whom I consider my friends) lavished a huge amount of praise on the opponents saying "Go and crush your competitor(s)!" I was crushed alright -- the day I got the results was also the day my fiancé's mother got her diagnosis.

Three weeks of sodding hard work and dedication, to be slapped on the face with precisely this? Safe to say, I don't believe hard work even brings reward anymore. In fact: I am now of the view that hard work is only going to get trampled on.

And in addition, I felt that some people on the contest threads were behaving like actual smug gits. Perhaps they didn't intend to, but to me, they came across as such. I mean no ill-will to anyone, and I will gladly reconcile -- but I do feel a great hurt, one that is unable to heal. I have prayed hard to be able to forgive people for the hurt they've caused, albeit unintentionally. Safe to say, I am not at my best right now.

I have been known to suffer with serious bouts of depression at times, and my fiancé says I have an artist's mentality, comparing me to Van Gogh and others (although, I wouldn't take the liberty of comparing myself to him, since he did great work and I, well, don't.) Seán keeps trying to encourage me -- at times he succeeds, and at times he has to wrench a knife or a pair of scissors out of my hands.

The reasons for these bouts are known to only a few; I feel unable to share them with the majority of people. My life is still very uncertain at this time.

If anyone cares anymore, then please pray or send good thoughts my way that this depression lifts.

Comments (2)

I imagine myself on the place of Seán. It must be excruciatingly difficult to keep your spirits up all the time despite you getting hurt again and again and again. Being a support also means having a plan or some prepared set of actions for every occasion - that takes extra thinking effort to conceive. Delving into your psyche and making correct assumptions on what is the most effective way of helping you.

Seán is a superhero.

Why are you getting hurt because of outside people? They are not needed to enjoy art. Don't you want to create solely for the sake of God's glory? And God is in secret.

If I knew that people hate my work (not noticing it is OK, but hate is another thing), I wouldn't put it out but keep doing it for myself. I'm really so disconnected from the society, that theoretically I could afford that. I'm not sure you're that kind of person or are able to change to that :S

I'm sorry for missing the post where you asked for your fiance's well-being.

Please, don't feel sad.
Just forget about people. If you can't forgive them, you can at least pretend you never were angry at them. And do your own thing.

Seán is a superhero indeed; at least *my* superhero. <3 I have said this before to people I know, and this is probably the first time that I mention it on NG but: those who know me dearly have seen me at my worst in some way, shape or form. I can safely say that Seán has seen the worst of the worst, and has stood by me still, and for that, I am eternally grateful -- to God and to him.

This hurt has its roots in my childhood and adolescence, where abuse and manipulation were commonplace occurrences for me. I don't carry many of the physical scars of that period anymore, but I do certainly carry the internal ones. Being beaten up, belittled and having one's dreams torn to shreds by one's parents, all because one has a passion for something different, is by no means trivial. Suffice to say, I am awful with rejection -- because I have felt it so much in my early life, and neglect can sometimes be seen as a form of rejection too.

I've always wanted my witness to be a public thing. Our Lord is in secret, yes -- but I also know first-hand what it's like to be repressed for believing in Christ. I cannot yet reveal the circumstances behind such repression -- but it's certainly made me more than a private believer. Yes, where I find someone is in need, I help where I can, and that stuff is secret -- but deep in my heart, I want to be able to tell people about Our Lord, or at least let them know through sound and expression, what it's like to deeply love Him. To a great extent therefore, I can't be disconnected from society. Sometimes I do feel disconnected, but I feel I can't afford to be...

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers and encouragement -- I can only offer my thoughts and prayers in return at this point, but I don't doubt Our Lord will do the rest.

Hello, my friend.

Firstly, I pray for Seàn's mother's health. I cannot say that I know the feeling since, by the grace of God, I've no close family members or relatives that have such an illness.
I have been a little occupied with things regarding the future of my studies and thus I am sorry for disappearing for a while: usually I would never miss a chance to comment on your posts and review your submissions.

You have exceptional talent, Troisnyx. A few hours ago, I listened to your 'Terre Des Hommes Libres' album again (returned to your music after a couple of months, I must admit) and the enchantment felt from hearing it again was rekindled.
So it worries me to read about your bouts of depression and I feel that the only thing I can do is offer words of encouragement and hope that God's undying guidance will help you through this time.

Don't Van Gogh yourself, whatever you do. Those ears are invaluable to the creation of magical compositions.

Pay no mind to the smugness or sly words of others. I support you as the amazing musician and artist that you are, and no person's comments or contest is going to change that.