It is strange that I am putting up a news post in less than 24 hours from the previous one, but I feel that it's only right that I explain what is going on. These situations all took place over last week and this week.
Some of you are aware of the events that transpired during the NGADM. Round 3 came, and I was paired up against one very established orchestral composer on Newgrounds -- Bosa. But he dropped the round so that I could go through, and also because he was going into hermit mode. I wondered why he would drop the competition for me....... I never understood it, but ever since then, I wanted to press on and win -- for our Lord and for Bosa, who had confidence in me.
End of factual background.
In Round 4, I was pitted against Waterflame, one of the most sought-after video game composers on NG, if not the most sought-after. At the time I was ready either for a win or a loss. I told myself I would do my best, and I prayed about the piece. So I sat down to work on it. Ideally, I wanted to win this, but I was ready at any rate. And I was okay with Waterflame winning -- after all, if he did, it was well-deserved.
During those two weeks, I had two assignments, which I did tend to regularly -- Practical Legal Research and Business Law and Practice. The classmates I met at uni had to cart themselves from London, so it was painstaking for them as it was for me. I made it a point that we met. For the most part, I had to walk with heavy bags straddled on my shoulder, sometimes, in the rain. Where I did my law work, I did it; where I didn't do my law work, I did my best to finish the music for the NGADM submission.
Then came the second week of submission. I would only get my music finished on Tuesday of that week. Wednesday was supposed to be recording day but a poor friend forgot to bring his mic (bless him), so the recording was postponed to Friday, the submission deadline.
Within that week, I was pestered by another friend, and shall I say, emotionally blackmailed, to correct, paraphrase, and footnote a submission (multiple times at that), and to contribute to a discussion board that I wasn't even a part of. Oftentimes I would be kept up late at night because I didn't want to leave the poor friend in the lurch. I was emotionally tense and did my best to exercise restraint from swearing. Then came Thursday night, the day before the recording. I was kept up until 5:00 AM that night, and as it was, I had very little sleep. I swore at my computer to no end...
I had four hours of sleep that night, got up at 9:00-something, went to university without even freshening up, borrowed the mic, returned home, used the mic for about two hours, making as little room for error as I possibly could, returned the mic, went back home to do the little mixing that I could and export the MP3, freshened up and went to uni again to submit my own assignments. Bear in mind, it takes me a good 20 minutes to walk to uni, and slightly longer with a heavy bag.
Before the results were announced, I befriended Waterflame, and while I encouraged him to give all he could give, he encouraged me when I was beginning to hit the low as it were, holding it in his heart that I had already won by coming so far. I accepted it. I was fine with winning or losing. I was just so thankful to have spoken with him. This was a time where I acknowledge I was doing what Akiko Shikata did in a month or longer, with a strained voice, lack of sleep, a mic that I could only use over two hours, lack of time and just two weeks of preparation, and he was still ever so gracious to me.
However, what especially hurt me was the fact that some people decided to be so insensitive and add salt to my already deep wounds with comments like these:
"This is an extremely difficult, if not impossible piece to pull off."
"I applaud you for making such an ambitious attempt, but IMHO you're biting a bit more than you can chew here."
"You tried something that was simply too hard for you to pull off alone."
I bear in mind that my mixing is horrible, and that it needs work. Lots of work. I'll gladly improve on the flaws. But these are essentially slaps across my already wounded face, which had been stepped on during the emotional blackmail incident. Also notable was the fact that I don't usually swear, but ever since that day where I stayed up until 5:00 AM, I swore like a sailor.
Knowing that I had lost precisely because of that incident, I went back to that friend and gave her a good, hard shelling over direct message. She was not going to give my opportunity back, that was for sure. The results came out on Sunday, and they confirmed what I had said.
I would not have been so embittered about this loss had it not been for all the crap that I had been put through over the week. In fact, I would have taken it like a sport had all this not happened. I also wanted to win this for Him and for Bosa -- there were listeners who knew that these songs were music from the soul, and I knew that if I won, it would be my chance to put back into the minds of listeners, music from the soul. Now that chance is gone............
Yesterday evening before Mass I spoke to Merlyne and he reminded me that the answer lies not in winning every single challenge, but being able to pick oneself up when I've lost.
I've been on the verge of giving up on my music and composing, and giving up on helping people altogether. In fact, I don't know why, but I feel as though my good desires are slowly dying, because of how battered I've been. But I don't want to lose those good desires, because they are who I am, and if I lose them, I will lose my soul.
Pray for me, please. I cannot take this anymore. If you should not be the type to pray, at least keep me in your thoughts.
