I'm probably going to rip the Audio Forums apart with my views, but I guess that's what views sometimes do. Past experience has shown me that speaking out against a perceived injustice can be unpopular at best, and deadly at worst. Heck, that's a good reason why I'm an asylum seeker today. What I'm going to discuss isn't half as important as my own personal struggles, and the internal struggles of those around me, I suppose... but it's still something that niggles away in my mind. I had kept this to myself, or made small responses in the Audio Forums a lot of the time, but now, I think it's time that I made this public.

I was really angered not only at the way I lost last year, but also the way others were completely ripped apart, at last year's Audio Deathmatch, by teams. The second place went to a team. This year, similar tendencies are being shown: the first, second and third places for the Round of 64 have all been taken by teams.

Everyone knows that two minds work better than one. So what do we do? Gang them up on all the individual composers out there, hurrah! Pardon my sarcasm, but that's the feeling I get from the ADM now. It gnaws at me. It doesn't strike me as right, for a number of reasons.

The ADM is the major audio competition of Newgrounds. Call it a music festival if you will. Music festivals in real life have solo and band categories. Heck, even the BBC's Live and Unsigned performances have this sort of thing. Everyone who goes there will get a shot at competing against the best and the brightest. Some will take this opportunity to ascribe a modicum of worth to their music. As soon as they're defeated by a team, not only will they feel cheated out or certain that they can't advance regardless of what they do -- they know the odds are stacked highly against them.

While I'm aware that in the rare occasion, teams have been beaten by individuals, it is rare. Expect a team to beat an individual 90% of the time. And we've certainly seen it in this round.

I do appreciate when teams work together despite the constraints -- i.e. when they have joint input. It'd be nice to see a team category, which will make a new playing field for the regulars around here if they should so choose. The best composers aren't necessarily going to be the best anymore depending on whom they team up with, and vice versa. Or, they can still prove their mettle and emerge best anyway. I would most certainly consider that a fair fight, and a most exciting spectacle. And also, the individual category will be open to even more contestants, some of them new challengers who are willing to go against the greats. I mean, this is how I imagine it -- it's an imperfect system. But no system is perfect. But one of my struggles (as is the struggle of some of us around here) is to make things fairer, more just for everyone.

It is fine and dandy to join teams in order to compensate for personal problems that would otherwise inhibit us from taking part. What is not fine, however, is to use the personal problems as an excuse for not regularly taking part, or leaving half the work to someone else. We've had individuals who could graciously bow out because of their personal problems, including a former ADM champion, and we've had individuals who could graciously take part despite their personal problems. Granted, their problems aren't necessarily stated online, because some do share said problems, while some keep their problems to themselves and are reluctant to share. But not everyone taking part in the ADM has it hunky-dory.

A number of people have shared their stories with me, and I have done likewise with them. It is heartbreaking to hear some of the things they go through. The fact that they persevere constantly in each round is already enough reason for me to tip my hat off to them in respect. I don't feel the same way if Person A does Round 1, and Person B does Round 2, and in both rounds, they get through. For one, it doesn't feel like a team anymore, and for two, whatever happened to everyone having to take part in every round? It feels like circumventing the rules of any competition. It's a loophole, plain and simple. The vast majority of participants are toiling away despite whatever circumstances they have faced.

I should know. I will not begin to list what I went through in previous ADMs, because it's all in my news archive for all of you to read. I don't doubt people go through similar, if not worse sometimes.

I have been harsh and used incendiary language over this matter of late. Prior to this moment I had been afraid of hurting people's feelings, but right now, I cannot help but speak what is in my heart. And the truth hurts. It hurts me. It hurts the people I've hurt. It hurts everyone. I regret hurting people, but sometimes, what can I do? It's a given fact now that sometimes, speaking up about the things that concern us will hurt those whom we love.

Truth be told, I am fed up of mincing my words. Yes, there is a weight in my heart because of the hurt it'll all cause, you know, bringing up everything I've mentioned above. But also, there's a great weight off my chest because I've finally managed to break the ice about this.

I vowed never to take part in the ADM again. And I am keeping to my word. But as an observer, it's only fair that I be given a chance to mention what I do without being emotionally blackmailed. If it can't be fair for me, fine. Let it be fair for others taking part, for the love of all that is good and holy. Observers who haven't taken part in the ADM or who have been kicked out get to voice their views and be treated with respect; why shouldn't I? Even if it means I'm harping on the same subject which is close to my heart, at least let me be treated as a human being!

And as for those who say I take this too seriously: of course I'm meant to take this seriously. This is a matter of fairness in a competition. If I didn't take anything seriously on this matter at all, I'd have been happy with leaving every single competition as a free-for-all without any modicum of order or rules. There are strict interpretations of rules, there are gentler interpretations of rules, and then there are loopholes. And it's only fair that I address them, even if it means some may see me targeting a few people as a result of it. Those of you who feel you're being targeted, don't worry one bit -- I know what it's like to be a target too, you have no idea.

EDIT 28/08/2015: After having slept over this I perused the messages once more. To the best of my recollection, I meant no hostility in the current ADM thread, but brought up what I did. (Heck, I even called some people "nice people", without disparaging others.) People decided to take it personally against me and start a baww-fest. As if that was not enough, I even had a few others confront me on Skype and make all sorts of ridiculous assumptions, like "So you're pulling this out of thin air?" when I most certainly wasn't. I was basing this on my experience, the experience of this particular competition, and the statistics of the Round of 64, and the various forum replies of the past. Without calling anyone any names or resorting to whiny tactics, I lambasted what was wrong. People decided to turn it against me, calling me a drama queen when I didn't even mean any of it. And in effect, I have been blamed for something I never had any intention of doing.

While I will let it slide, I will openly state just how much I have been hurt, even by people whom I consider my friends. But that's probably the least of my issues, because I'm used to being hurt and scapegoated. If you ask what my main beef with the ADM is, it's this: just because something is friendly and small-scale doesn't mean that loopholes must be ignored. Just because people don't complain, doesn't mean I don't have a right or a reason to complain. With that, I'll end it there.

I never thought I'd be doing both music and artwork for a game.

I never thought I'd even be involved in this particular Ludum Dare. In fact, I'd just been desperate.......

@Squidly, @dlxrevolution and I worked on this MSX-looking game together within three days for the purposes of Ludum Dare 33, which took place over the weekend. We're not spoiling anything, but we will tell you this: the game is an absolutely stupid hilarious pastiche of all things Japanese. It's a game that requires lots of patience, but it's well worth it, just for cracking up.

I mean, to get the point across, DLX and I just didn't know how things would go, or how our pieces would fit. But as we kept testing the game, we just couldn't help but laugh ourselves silly. XD

So... I invite you to share the experience with us.

@Squidly and I have decided to team up once again. We need person number three: artist or level designer. PM us or comment below on how you'd like to help; it'll be great to have you on board!

I am super excited for this game, and I sincerely hope it'll be my best yet. Hope.

Some of you who follow my YouTube feed may have noticed my recent like of a video that featured Vice News' meeting with North Korean gulag escapee Kim Hye-sook. I haven't told many people this, but it should come as no surprise that the persecuted North Koreans have always had a special place in my heart. I only barely scratched the surface on what was going on there, through the very occasional report that I read when I was a child, or through what people close to me told me. So over the last few months I'd been taking to doing research, even on the most sordid things that happen there.

My mind is somewhat resistant to it all because I've experienced a fraction of indoctrination, discrimination, glorification of the nation's leaders, physical, mental, verbal and emotional abuse, inhumane living conditions, while I was still in Malaysia, and I relate wholeheartedly to the North Koreans' suffering... even though I probably don't come close. But I can surely say this: at the end of this video, Kim Hye-sook said that she only saw the scenes from the concentration camp in her dreams, and not her life in South Korea. I am the same: I only see all the sordid scenes from Malaysia in my dreams, and I haven't had a good dream in months, let alone a dreamless sleep.

If you've researched this as much as I have, or if you're a regular on TVTropes and have stumbled upon this at random, you may have perhaps heard about a North Korean tearjerker drama called The Flower Girl. I won't go into details about that story, because that's what the link is for... but I will say this much: I don't know how true it is, but the script for this film was purportedly written by Kim Il-sung himself.

Guess what? I'm going to subvert it and turn it on its head.

This is a book I have in the pipeline, and I'm going to let it take its time. The writing work on it has already begun. With little satellite imaging to use for reference purposes, I only hope that the book will turn out to be a (somewhat) subversive piece of work.

This is a drawing I thought I would do after seeing @Rhunyc's piece of work for the Audio Deathmatch this year. It ain't much, but I hope it turns out okay.

In other news, I've been very unwell. This bug I've got has gone into its third week, despite me saying to my friends that I'd recovered. Turns out I had severely overestimated my own recovery.

As soon as I felt better and was no longer largely confined to my bed, I decided to pick up a prescription and some fruits by riding off to Sainsbury's on a bike. Not a good idea. I came home coughing and spluttering and only feeling worse than before. Granted, I am better than I was then, but my airways are still not great. Ah well. I cannot force these things.

There's meant to be a piece in the works for the 20th Anniversary Collaboration hosted by @Whirlguy, but with my airways like this, I have to be wary about my recording. Here's hoping the symptoms subside soon.

Got an e-mail today -- well, three e-mails actually -- saying that BBC Introducing has listened to both pieces that I had submitted to them, Land of the Free and Tsukikanade. So Land of the Free now has THREE plays, while Tsukikanade has two. Still nothing to sniff at, because it's coming from the Beeb themselves.

The regional variant of the Introducing radio show is on BBC Lancashire every Saturday, I forget what time (I'd better check that with Seán). I don't know what this means, that they're listening to it today when there's a session tomorrow. It may or may not be played on the radio, but here's hoping......

Everyone, the Samson Go mic giveaway is finished and the winner has been contacted. Thanks for your participation; I will admit I've been quite humbled to receive quite a response.

I may host similar equipment giveaways in future, depending on what stuff I get -- we'll wait and see.

As I have alluded to over on the Audio Forums and maybe a few places elsewhere, I have recently gotten a new (read: second-hand) mic. It's a Blue Snowball.

I've taken to recording some new audio with it, and some of my tracks in progress are using vocals recorded with this. The main reason why I got this is because it's going to be the first mic in my possession that records low frequencies well, in addition to highs.

So what's going to happen to the old Samson Go?

I feel a bit sad, but I'd been torn between keeping it and selling it. And then, Seán gave me this idea... give the Samson Go to a loving home.

It's a nice entry-level condenser mic, and although it is not great in recording low frequencies, it is great in the way of lack of background noise, and overall sound clarity. It's seen me through a lot of sung projects, including fan favourite The Garden, Oceans Wide, Tsukikanade and Sound of Creation. I really feel sentimental about parting with it, but I think a struggling musician without a good mic for vocals could do with this mic for a start.

So how will this giveaway work?

Put down your case in the comments as to why you would like this microphone. Ideally, you will need to have some number of audio submissions put up on Newgrounds.

You have until Sunday 2 August 2015, 20:00 BST to do this. At the end of this time frame, I will select the most compelling case, PM the user personally, and ask for his or her mailing address.

The cover of Orphan Keeper is about 2/3 done in the way of instrumentation, so it's got a ways to go. Nightfall, on the other hand, has a completed instrumentation, but I'm still stuck when it comes to writing lyrics for the chorus. I've got to come up with something..... I'm in desperate need of doing so. Also, I've taken to starting some other music projects so I can at least be comforted with the presence of many proverbial puzzles to complete, when I'm bored of my major projects.

Also, as some of you may have read from my music thread, I am remaking a piece which has already been submitted to NG, which has figured in @Omegeist's Worst Music playlist, and which I hold dear to me. That piece is Mio/Homura. I have grown resolute enough to look at my piece the way it was intended, and I'm not letting anyone's comments on "biting more than I could chew" bring me down. For once, I am at peace about it -- this is something for which I am grateful.

This piece will be of interest to anyone who has taken part in or watched the 2012 Audio Deathmatch, specifically @Back-From-Purgatory, @Waterflame, @jimaan, @samulis and @SkyeWint. It's a long way off considering the previous two projects also need doing, but I look forward to finishing it the way it was intended to be finished.

So what has happened between the last post and now?

Troisnyx is getting her first radio plays!

That endeavour of sending a demo CD to Preston FM / City Beat paid off, Deo gratias! I paid a visit to the radio station on Tuesday because I had attempted to e-mail one of their presenters, describing myself and my music in a bit more detail. That e-mail bounced three times, and I felt it was no longer worth actually e-mailing them said information. I went on Tuesday to deliver the contents of the e-mail by hand.

While waiting a good hour for one of the presenters (Ben Pintilie) to arrive, I met some others, and spoke with them. It was fun. And they even asked me to sing for them -- after being lost for a little while, I mustered some courage to sing the first verse of Land of the Free, which, incidentally, was the first track on my demo CD. They thoroughly enjoyed it, and I thoroughly enjoyed my time with them.

So, it looks like they're going to contact me in a week or two, and Beginnings, which is the name of that demo CD, will see its first radio plays during that time. There is also a likelihood of me being called into the radio station for and interview, but I'm not hedging my bets on anything. It's exciting, but it gets me all jittery too. We'll see what happens.

I know it ain't much, but getting one's first radio plays is quite a feat for a newbie, even if said radio station is a local community one. I'm just grateful.

So: those of you who live in Preston or the surrounding areas, do tune in to 103.2 FM over the coming weeks. You might just hear some music from yours truly on air...

While I'm going about mentioning little bits of news, I think I ought to mention this.

Some time ago I had written a post about how I could ride a bike, among other things. Well, the blue bike in that post is no longer with us, it's now been given to a friend. But I recently got a new bike... one which I think fits me a lot more.

Seán received it flat-packed on Tuesday when I was away at City Beat discussing with the presenters, and while I was talking about music and other things, he worked for hours assembling the bike so that he could have it ready for when I returned home. Thanks, Seán. <3

(Seriously, I look like a bloomin' pin-up!)

There, now we can see the bike in greater detail.

Those of you who are curious about specs, it's a Viking Buttermere, 18-speed hybrid. It's been kitted out much more since these photos were taken: there is now a rear-view mirror, and the saddle bag is filled with tools and a spare tube. It's also going to get a first-aid kit soonish, because knowing me, I would likely fall off and hurt myself before I get any significant mileage on it.

I love how it looks. And it's in my favourite colour, no less.

I've ridden on the road with this several times now, and I'm still getting the hang of these new-fangled gear shifters. The previous bike had a 1990s gear shifter which had to be pushed and pulled mid-ride with the thumb, and it hurt me a lot, and distracted me so much. These shifters are easy to use, but I don't know which gears suit the road and which don't. Every new bike (every new anything, for that matter) has its teething troubles.

First and foremost, I have received the new date for this long-awaited appeal and it doesn't look like it can be brought forward. It's scheduled for 17 December 2015. Until then, I will heal and prepare and pray.

I know it's a longish wait, but much preparation and many other things can come from just waiting. Thanks for keeping me in your prayers and good thoughts.

Remember the demo CD I prepared some months ago?

I recently had the opportunity to stop by City Beat (the local radio station formerly known as Preston FM) and slip them a copy of the demo CD. I was warmly welcomed, and I spoke with one of the presenters (not mentioning names) for quite a bit before heading home. Don't quite know what will become of this, but right now, it's out of my hands. I leave it to the Almighty.

It really got me excited though, when it was done, because this was the first time that I ever shared this demo CD with anyone who wasn't a friend or acquaintance (or friend of a friend). I know it's a process, and some might say it's nothing to clamour about. But I want to derive joy from even the process of using the talents which I have been given.

I have been drawing quite a bit lately, as some of you might have noticed on my page. I have also been trying to build up a stash of unfinished FL Studio files, to make up for the hardware failure I had earlier this year. There is no doubt that a good number of people are probably going to go "ehhhh..." over what I do. I suppose it's natural; it's the process of liking or disliking a piece of work and it's to be expected.

I am aware that these last few months (or at least this whole year in general), my work has taken a different turn. It's been leaning more on the electronic side rather than the orchestral side, more focused on colours rather than amazing anatomy and proportion. I am building up two talents which have largely been inhibited in my younger years, and I don't expect any pity or mercy from fellow musicians and artists. Not that I've received much to begin with. Those who do show me mercy, however, I'm grateful for it all.

This is the journey that I am taking. Awe and wonder over everything around me has inspired my recent works. It is through my hands that this journey will come to fruition. And through the hands of those who have sought to help me.

The long awaited appeal is NO LONGER ON 1 JULY! As for when it will be, we don't really know yet. But it seems like we're gonna have another wait.

In previous newsposts I mentioned that there was insufficient evidence submitted on the part of the Home Office, and that we, our solicitors and the tribunal actually pressured the Home Office into submitting the missing evidence.

Right up till this morning we were informed that it would either be on, or off. Then one judge made a blunder of a miscalculation and decided we should go ahead after all. And then (we guess that another judge probably pointed out said miscalculation, and tomorrow's hearing has been cancelled as a result. The excuse they gave? "Not enough judges." I understand, sometimes we cannot help but cover up our own mistakes...)

Anyway, right now, I am relieved to hear this. We're not going ahead with insufficient evidence. But the hotel room and train tickets have been booked to avoid any potential confusion or trains going on the fritz tomorrow morning..... what do we do?

Well, we use them!

Christo (@Merlyne) and another friend of ours are coming up to meet us in Manchester, and I am very much looking forward to tomorrow. We're going to have a break... a much-needed one. And perhaps they can all help talk me out of selling my art stuff on eBay...