These past few weeks have seen me regressing, with many traumatic memories of my childhood and adolescence rushing back to the surface -- I'd been in a dark place for a while, but now especially, I am not out of that dark place.

I'd announced, prior to the explosion of the world's events, that I was going to release dream ship as my next solo track. Technically it's not a solo track -- it's a collaboration, as I am working with a friend who is substituting all the instrumentation I have used in the production of said track for better instrumentation, but the composition and voices are my own. Quite frankly, everyone I know is in an abysmal mental place.

I've not said anything about the current events, feeling like very many of my friends -- feeling we need to give space to allow grieving voices to be heard loudest. And I think that should continue.

As my collaborating friend and I are still not in the headspace to finish up dream ship, I'll be posting other tracks in the meantime while we take the time we need to finish up that track.

We live in such an interconnected world, that somewhere along the line, we're going to extend the hand of friendship and creative collaboration with some people... and months down the line, testimonies will emerge about these people doing horrible, reprehensible things.

And when — not if, when — that happens, hindsight is our only friend.

I've had several things happen to my friends and I this week, re: outing some pretty reprehensible actions. Most notably, you'll notice that three of my 2019 audio submissions have been unpublished. It has emerged from multiple sources that the person who sang on all three of those tracks allegedly manipulated and sexually groomed several, and at least one was known to be a minor. Said person also made repeated unwanted advances towards a couple of my close friends. (I have little, if any reason at all, to believe the allegations to be false.)

I have had overt sexual harassment happen to me in the audio forum, which was swiftly dealt with.

Boy, this week we seem to be quite prolific in uncovering snakes in the tall grass, don't we? Those of you who have been interacting with me of late know that I have a fair bit of post-traumatic depression to navigate; everything I have described above is just making it worse.

Sincerely, what do we do in cases like these? I struggle to bear the thought that people can be this horrible — even if it's a sad fact of life. And then there's the question of the art on NG. I would be hard-pressed to remove something tainted by someone whose actions are found out later, if there are multiple NG contributors. On NG there is a culture of "appreciate the art if you can't appreciate the artist," something many of us have had to grapple with when hearing about greats from the distant past and what they did, for example. But I find that action the realistic thing to do: talk about the art as well as the events that have transpired. There is one piece that still has the offender's voice, for example: it's still up, and here I am talking about it and recent events at length. A lot of this stuff was allegedly coming to a head without my knowledge back when I was composing the piece that had the offender's voice. The offender in question isn't mentioned by name, mind you, but here we are.

Now, if I were the only NG contributor — as was the case with those three removed tracks — then the course of action is simple.

At some point some of us have to come face-to-face with demons, whether they be our own or others'. For the few of us who have been through things like what I described above, it's been an incredibly taxing week.

In the small hours of Easter Monday -- incidentally the day after my birthday (thanks for all the birthday wishes, by the way; there have been plenty and you have all been so kind asfefadawesaf) -- I hit 1,000+ followers, with the 1,000th being @Mackievellian. I...

I want to write many, many messages of hearty thanks to all of you for sticking around. There certainly will be more music and drawings coming from me in the future, music in particular.

In the days that I began putting music up on Newgrounds I didn't imagine that I'd get a following like this. I want to thank @sorohanro in particular for bringing me to this site, thus beginning quite the musical journey for me.

I've gathered many friends, some still around, some sadly gone. I'm grateful for every bit of help and support you have given me. Thank you all so much. Seriously you all number in the hundreds how do I begin mentioning every single last one asdfsdfaewafds

To all my friends and followers, new and old... I would be honoured to take you with me on the musical journey I call my own.

Hey everyone, Troisnyx here, back with a new track, hallowed silence!

I'd like to talk a fair bit about this thing, what led it to be written, and how it is close to my heart. This gets into some very weighty stuff. Please bear with me.

We've all joked about COVID-19, we've all made light of it in the face of pretty terrifying circumstances -- but we can't deny that because we know plenty of friends now thanks to the internet, we're going to know people who have been infected. We may even know people who might succumb to the illness and something like this doesn't bear thinking about. It's horrible.

We can't say anything apart from, "These are strange times." Although I hear ripplings of another phrase, "I hope this time brings about much-needed change. For the better."

And these words weigh on us heavily. We know that when we emerge from this situation -- whenever that may be -- things are not going to be the same ever again. Many of us will be left traumatised by what we'll have witnessed or heard. All the time spent cooped up is going to weigh heavily on us already. We're opening our eyes to the things that for years have been deemed impossible, but have been done at the drop of a hat due to the global pandemic: in the UK, the writing off of the debt of the NHS, and the rehousing of the homeless overnight, are two such examples.

These are sobering times. They are making us reflect, retreat, contemplate what sort of renewal we desperately need, as individuals and as a people.

This is Holy Week. Soon it'll be Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, Holy Saturday, Easter Sunday... and these are the first sacred days that I, as a Christian -- as a Catholic -- will need to spend indoors, rather than in the church grounds soaking in the beauty of these days and celebrating with my friends. And there's the obvious reason of not wanting to infect people. That reason weighs heavily on me, as my beloved Seán is doubly immunocompromised due to his conditions. I need to protect him come what may, especially during these times.

I ask this now, in the face of a global pandemic -- but I'm sure this question has been asked by many a person in their bleakest situations: in the face of all this suffering, how do we hope? How do we make alleluias ring?

In doing this song, I feel I've discovered the answer: we don't. It is drawn from our lips like a beautiful sound made on the instrument closest to our hearts. This is especially the case when we ourselves don't have the strength to cough out the first couple syllables of an alleluia. This was what happened to me when this song was produced.

Not too long from the start of the lockdown, there was an Urbi et orbi message from Pope Francis. You've all seen the pictures: the old man in white, alone, in the rain, delivering this message as it is broadcast around the world, while around him, it is empty. Urbi et orbi means "to the city and to the world," and a message like this is normally reserved for the major feast days: Easter and Christmas. I watched the message with my Seán, and after the Pope delivered his message, there was a period of silent adoration. It was in this silence, that the words of the choruses came to me, stayed in my head, and would not depart from me.

O hallowed silence the world over!

No song of mine can ever add to your beauty,

O hallowed silence on the altar!

You are fitting melody,

you are fitting melody---

I have been going through a period of uncertainty and despair, two things very easily felt when made to be imprisoned all alone. (I'm not alone, I'm with my Seán, but being at home constantly instead of going out doing routine things gives more time for my emotions to stew, makes me more prone to ruminating.) In this despair, these words were drawn out of me. Then, as if drawn from my lips the way a rousing beat is drawn from a drummer's hands, the other lyrics and their respective melodies immediately followed suit.

I wrote the lyrics expressing my feelings, but also the feelings of people around me who are impacted in various ways by the pandemic. There are subtle references to the lockdowns (cf. cast aside in silent prisons of our own), and more blatant references to the sickness, death and decay all around us. There is a silence hovering over the land as a direct consequence of many of us not being able to go out except in limited circumstances. To me, that silence is sobering, painful, but not deafening. It is holy; it scours away at my own heart like fire burning away certain stains, or a strong abrasive.

The lyrics that were drawn from my lips ended in hope. They refused to end in despair.

What will my own life, and the lives of my loved ones, be like when we see the end of this pandemic?

For me, this song is a prayer, and I've heard many people dismiss prayers as mere nothings. Understandably, since the amount of people who have offered empty "thoughts and prayers" instead of being roused to action, whether on their own strength or by these same thoughts and prayers, is blindingly huge, over issues that should have been resolved ages ago.

When my time on this earth is over, I want to die knowing I did God's will on earth -- knowing that I did my damnedest to help those in need. It's hard, but I would much rather that than a half-arsed effort. This silence is making me think what I can do, at any given point in time. The world around me is not going to be the same ever again, but how? These words were a song, and I sang like I meant that song with every fibre of my being. It is calling me to live in that way, too, and to not give in to despair. It is screaming with all the emotion that would otherwise stop me from singing.

It's been a long while since we've seen birthday threads on the audio forum. I figured it'd be nice to bring them back, that we can bring special attention to our friends who are born on a particular date, when that date rolls round, and just show our appreciation for them.

Starting with @LucidShadowDreamer, since I know when his birthday falls: it's today!

If you're a musician on NG and like the idea,

1. Drop a comment below about when your birthday is!
2. When someone's birthday rolls round, let's show them love on the thread for them on the AP, and make sure to listen to and review their work — for those of us who can go the extra mile to promote or link them up with people, let's do that!
3. Let's keep this going for as many people as we can!

There we go. I hope to hear from as many of you as possible! I might even update this to form an AP birthday calendar of sorts.

Hey everyone, Troisnyx here. I'd like to begin by talking about my newest audio track, child of the woods.

It's a long, harrowing song with a long, harrowing history behind it. To you who would listen, sit by, while I tell you all the tale.

In my teens the plight of certain indigenous peoples where I grew up (the Orang Asli) came to my attention for the first time, through articles recounting the exploits of human rights commissioners, social workers from the Church and from other cross-sections of society, and elsewhere. Prior to that I hardly knew anything about them. I only knew of them from one, non-compulsory revision book for Year 9 history that I got from a major bookstore. And if such revision books were beyond my means, I likely would not have known anything about them.

You see, unless things have changed in the last ten years, the Orang Asli aren't even considered indigenous people, despite them having been there for far longer than anyone else has. They live in the forests, but the forests are being rapidly cut down for palm oil and wood, and these people's way of life is destroyed.

Sound familiar? That's because it's still happening, not just to the Orang Asli, but to the Amazonians, and to many other indigenous groups -- it likely will have happened to the Aborigines in Australia, and many Native Americans can recount to us the amount of ancestral land and tribes eradicated in similar, callous manners by greedy people. I only have secondhand knowledge of this matter from being exposed to the truth by people who worked with the Orang Asli, and I wanted to write about this matter in my teens, but no words could ever come to me. Those of you who have been following me for long enough know that I wrote about plenty of things in my teenage years that qualified me as being a dissident; I desperately wanted to write about the Orang Asli, but I felt I lacked the firsthand witness from the people who suffered, and are likely still suffering.

Ten years on, that subject matter still breaks my heart, no less because I see the same thing happening with indigenous peoples whose forests are set ablaze by wicked people. In October of last year, I was certain that the time had come for me to finally write about that subject matter, so I teased it in my Discord server and elsewhere. I made two livestream videos about me composing the instrumental to what would become child of the woods.

It wouldn't be my run-of-the-mill protest song: I would give it the garb of fantasy and tabletop RPGs, specifically Dungeons & Dragons. That was also something I held pretty close to my heart, as I love RPGs and fantasy, and my Seán and I were both in a local Dungeons & Dragons guild at the time. Many of us relate to the fantasy and RPG aesthetic, I figured, so I could weave a fantasy tale about a dying race of druids.

When the new year 2020 rolled round, I was working on Astgaban -- which I will be speaking of below -- and I also decided that child of the woods would be my first solo release of the year. To that end, I began drawing:

These were the lines and shading (all done on MS PowerPoint) to what would become the sleeve cover for child of the woods.

I felt my drawing quality was inconsistent -- there were times I felt that I could churn out decent artwork, and times where it wasn't that decent -- but what mattered more to me were the song and its message. Fun fact: I based the druids' costumes on some Orang Asli clothes.

The lyrics took me forever and a day to write; I was often at a loss for words. I kept wanting to convey this message, I kept wanting to keep to my usual poetic lyrical style. Even now I don't know if I've done alright on those.

The music for child of the woods didn't take me long to produce, but the recordings took me a long time to get done, owing to the fact that by the time I needed to make a start on those, it was storm season; we had four storms batter us over a six-week period. The wind howling outside the window, and other things battering the window (including hail) made it impossible for me to sit down and record things.

Then finally, Sunday 8 March 2020 came along; it would be the day I began mixing this. I finished mixing and mastering it the day after.

As I mentioned in the description of that piece, I choked up, especially towards the end when I threw in the sound effects of wood burning. This piece has been quite the emotional weight; I'm glad to have seen it through to the end.

For those of you who have missed my previous post, my doujin circle, Aetherhythm (formerly A Reyvateil's Melody) have released a new EP, called Astgaban. As of Friday 6 March 2020, the EP is now up on Bandcamp!

For context, this EP has four tracks; @JessieYun wrote Track 2 (Twilight), while I wrote Tracks 3 (Dusk) and 4 (AST-GA-BAN). What context I can give in this post are related to Dusk and AST-GA-BAN.

This EP also has quite the harrowing tale behind it; those of you who are following me on Twitter might have seen my longish thread about the feelings behind Dusk and AST-GA-BAN. This post is meant to be the long form of that thread.

The EP, Astgaban, was Aetherhythm's first foray into original stories, lore and songs not tied to the fandom of any video game, particularly the Ar tonelico series. There are many tales to be told that I don't think I have the head to get into right now. Aetherhythm's website for Astgaban has all the stories and artwork associated with the project thus far, you can have some good reads here.

Those of us who were composing on the tracks -- Lystrialle, Jessie and myself -- were given rough prompts of what these songs would be. The first track would be a song of praise and joy; the second track would be a song of harsh history and war; the third track would be a song of expectant hope after war; and the final track would be a song where the deities of our lore, the Starchildren (the Astgaban of the title), sing in reply to the three previous songs of prayer, praise, supplication and hope.

The prompt for Track 3 -- I don't remember the exact words but it went something along the lines of "a soft piano lullaby, building up into a warm swelling feeling of joy as the track progresses later on." I had experience with this, having done a cover of @Phyrnna's Sleep Wrapped in Love all the way back in 2013 with poor mixing skills. The style I used in Dusk, and my cover of Sleep Wrapped in Love, are almost identical -- except that with Dusk, I wrote four-part male harmony for this piece, Geiky wrote lyrics for this piece, and it was beautifully brought forth by Nate.

The music for Dusk was initially written as a long-distance love song for someone back in 2012, with whom I now have irreconcilable differences. In fact, it is also the context behind my AIM 2019 track distance, as these cracks in our friendship began to form a fair few years before I wrote either of the two songs. I despaired that I would never be able to bring the original song to life. It was a beautiful tune.

But seeing the prompt for what would become Dusk gave me a chance to give that old tune a new lease of life.

Dusk was the second of the tunes to start production, and the first to be finished (right up to the mix and master; the mastering for all the tracks was done by @clea). I was just grateful to have put that tune to rest at last.

And finally, track 4 of the EP, AST-GA-BAN, which still fills me with grief that comes in waves.

I should not have written this track.

In mid-December of 2018(?) we had a new member join us, who went by the name AvaliaKasa.

AvaliaKasa was especially known in the Vocaloid community, both for her songs and for her kindness. She was also an old friend of a fair few members of my doujin circle; I knew of friends who'd known her for six years by that point. When she joined us, she was intended to write the final track of the EP, and master the whole thing.

She could not. Just two days shy of the new year 2019, she died in a car crash.

I'd only known her for a few days, and her kindness and laughter touched me. I was excited to have met a new friend; I lost her almost as soon as I'd met her. Others who had known her for far longer than I were beside themselves with grief. For my part, I'd been taking her death pretty badly, weeping and grieving her a lot. And till this day my grief over her death still hits me. I don't know why this is -- nor am I in the position to surmise why.

After some months had passed, I was assigned to write this track in her stead. That track, and the whole EP by extension, would be dedicated to her memory.

I poured all the feelings of grief that I felt -- grief thinking about my friends' grief, and my own grief over having lost this new friend so soon. I didn't know Avalia's style all too well; I simply went with what I knew: quasi-liturgical music, organs, SATB choir, a repeating canon. That would be my outpouring of grief.

Geiky wrote the lyrics, and six of us sang on this: Alroetsue, Lili, Desol_Nonary, Rage, Kenta and myself. The words were of hope and response to prayers, and for my part, I felt them with every fibre of my being. The six of us who sang on the track put out a total of 50 voice tracks to be processed -- a huge number to process for me; I'd never mixed anything that voluminous before. I could hear the emotion in every track. Throughout the time that I was working on the production of this track, I felt that I could not grieve.

Then finally the time came for Clea to give me the master they did on the track. When I listened to it, the last few bars made me weep. I thought to myself then, it's over.

Astgaban was first tabled at the spring M3 convention in Tokyo on 1 March 2020 -- but the coronavirus scare scuppered all hopes of everyone tabling at M3 this time, as the turnout was less than a third of what it would normally be (the venue would normally be heaving with people). The Bandcamp release, which would normally be months down the line after an album or EP is first tabled, happened only five days later. When Alroetsue announced that the EP was finally up on Bandcamp, I wept.

I wept for I don't know how long. I couldn't hold back the tears. I was weeping for Avalia.

I don't know if I'll have made her proud with this track. I cannot presume that I have. If anything, I think that this track can never hold a candle to her legacy. But I hope she is at least at peace.

I think about her, the life she could have had -- and the future we will share.

Because I think about my own mortality a lot, and I know that none of us can ever escape it. Death comes to us all; one day, I will die just like those before me. I only pray that when that day comes, I may be found worthy of the life, light and peace my friends and I wish upon the good people, and the poor, and the sufferers.

Outside of my tendency to write sad songs these days, it has been six months to the date since I started taking drums up formally. I hope I am doing well on that front. My band -- The Just Numbers -- is playing in the centre of Preston on Sunday.

I'm still writing songs. Hopefully I'll have another new one to share with you all in the next couple weeks.

Long post is long, but I had a lot that needed writing down. How have you all been?

Hey everyone. I have a huge announcement to make.

My doujin circle -- Aetherhythm (formerly A Reyvateil's Melody) are back with a new EP, Astgaban, out 1 March 2020!

The Astgaban crossfade is also available on YouTube:

You can see me unboxing this below. I hope you're excited for it as I am, and as I have been in the unboxing video. ^_^

This EP features contributions by @clea and @JessieYun and several other friends. For my part, I composed the last couple tracks, and I'm one of six vocalists on the last track. My contributions have been nonprofit as usual. The entire thing has been emotional to many of us, as it's been a tribute to a friend of ours, AvaliaKasa, who joined us for this album in late 2018 but died just two days before the start of the year 2019. I hope that you all would be glad to let us share these feelings with you in song.

"So where have you been, Trois?"

I've felt myself pulled in a gazillion different directions. I have my solo work, Soundskills, the band (The Just Numbers), the choir, ARM, and another music group, to say nothing about people who are desperate to collaborate.

I've been feeling incredibly low and I'm doing small things to break the proverbial brick wall. Some of you who have been on the Newgrounds Podcast server, and on my own Discord server and other places, will have seen a short audio fragment from me last night, for example.

However -- today is Shrove Tuesday, which means tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, the start of Lent. Things will change in these 46-or-so days leading up to m̵y̵ ̵b̵i̵r̵t̵h̵d̵a̵y̵ Easter Sunday:

1. child of the woods is still in production, but it will be the only song of mine in production during Lent. I am otherwise taking a break from audio production in Lent.
2. I am not taking a break from NG. You all can still contact me via Newgrounds PM or by Discord. Or Twitter, if you folks are on there. ^_^
3. With my birthday actually falling on Easter Sunday this year, I'll see if I can't whip up anything special, even if it's small.

....I think that's about all I can think of. How are you all doing?

To anyone currently collaborating with me, or considering collaborating with me: I welcome collaborations, subject to the following important rules:

• Personal projects, offline matters and doujin projects ALWAYS take priority. These include solo stuff, ARM Circle recordings, or matters involving the band I'm in, The Just Numbers. I have a loving fiancé I want to be with for the rest of my life. He has some health conditions he lives with everyday, and when he needs me, his needs come first.

• I get involved in a collaboration with every intention of bettering everyone involved. I expect to be voracious in my learning and make sure to come out a lot sharper in my musical skill. I look forward to anything you folks have to teach me or share with me. The same applies in reverse; in my own turn, I will challenge anyone I'm collaborating with.

I know I'm not necessarily one to track follower counts unless I've actually hit a milestone, and it might be a stretch -- but it'd certainly be a feat if we could get to 1K by the end of the year.

So, listeners, if you enjoy what you hear from me, you know what to do. ^_^ Meanwhile, I hope to keep making greater music and art than I do now; I hope to keep reaching those heights that were always said to be impossible for me to reach. And I hope you'll all come along with me on this journey.

It's out, everyone!!!

I'm so excited to share this with all of you.

Right now I'm tired and in bed, but I will edit this post in the near future to talk about the production of this beautiful thing. Until then, I hope you all enjoy it!