It's time for a year in review post, something I very rarely do when I give people Christmas greetings. But I think this year calls for it.

Firstly, if you haven't already seen my previous post, Ley Lines is out! It's the first Steam-released game I ever scored, and I am happy to share it with all of you.

Clicking on the image should take you to the Ley Lines store page, but if it turns out to be too garish for you, you may use this link instead.

I was asked if I could score this, back in May, by a group of game design students. There was alpha gameplay already existing at the time, which led me to start writing music for it, and it practically flowed out of my system. For its flaws and its strong points, I love this, and I hope you enjoy it too. In any case, do leave a review on the Steam page and here.

Those of you who would like to download the music for this game, you can find it on Bandcamp right here. It's a free download, so if you haven't already done so, consider it a bit of a Christmas present from someone who cannot muster much at this moment. Quite frankly, only one person who reviewed the game on Steam cared about the music. So if you do care anything about it, just let me know what you think -- because I will take silence to mean it was crap.

Secondly, my relative inactivity and mental state this year have, in large part, to do with the rape and sexual abuse I suffered getting on three years ago (it will be three years ago in January). I have had to flee to the home of a friend -- who, incidentally, is not online, which leaves my online appearances sporadic at best. And in addition to all this, I have been through more than enough victim blaming from certain people -- thankfully, no one here on NG and not from those closest to me -- but it hearkens back to a worse time where people could have their lives and honour forfeit from being raped. What saddens me is that in some places, this is still the case.

And until my dying breath I will ask for justice for myself and for victims whose assailants are still running free. No, it is not unchristian to do so, and neither is it wrong. I will not ask for revenge though -- now that is crossing the line.

Quite honestly, I like how several historical sexual abuse cases start to rise across the world and people cannot believe someone who was sexually abused right before their own fucking eyes until like what, maybe decades later.

Thirdly, I have been a mod for getting on a year now. I was promoted in mid-December of last year to help curb the Geometry Dash hysteria. @TomFulp's recent news post only confirms what many of us Audio Portal people feel about Geometry Dash -- that if left uncurbed, record labels will be suing Newgrounds by proxy for hosting this content or not doing enough to prevent this content from existing on the site -- which could only lead to NG's demise if this goes on, because in order to sue someone for a civil royalties case, the person or organisation to be sued MUST have deep pockets. While I have been less active, I want to thank my mod friends for helping out where they can. I've helped out where I can and intend to do some more as and when.

Congrats to @EDM364 and @LexaHergon for the modship by the way. Heaven knows we need that input now.

I have a good mind to gather as many Newgrounds people as possible to petition Google to remove Geometry Dash from the Play Store, if this problem still persists after an update which is supposed to happen. This can only go on for so long. If Google cannot tolerate this on its own websites, then it sure as hell cannot tolerate this on others.

Fourth and perhaps last on the reflexions list is that I opened my Christmas present early due to how low I have been feeling. This is a gift from Sean.

The drum is *technically* a long drum -- the antecedent to the modern snare and tenor drums, but its dimensions don't suggest it. It's 13x13, which means I could have it slung underneath the shoulder and used as a side drum (the antecedent of the modern bass drum) if I need to. Also, in historically accurate fashion, the snare is on the top head. I have a good mind to use it in processions and the like.

Sean recounted to me the idea that there would have been a drum accompanying the singing of praises in the Canterbury Tales, the medieval literary work by Chaucer -- this would have been the type of drum used. Now how often would there be pilgrimages and processions of that kind? Not very often, and in some places, perhaps never. I do intend to do my bit to revive that, at least in my area.

In a village in the outskirts of Preston, there is a shrine to the Virgin Mary in a place called Fernyhalgh (pronounced ferny-eth, or ferny-huf depending on your accent). The Saxons used it as a baptism pool, and it has been a place of pilgrimage and devotion since the 11th century. It's one of only two Marian shrines in England which are still in use -- the other being Walsingham in Kent, in the east of England.

Now what a fucking anachronism it would be if everyone taking part in a procession to Fernyhalgh today came with smartphones and Pokemon Go and I turned up with this medieval drum. But this is the beauty of it -- Fernyhalgh mixes the old and the new for me and for many others around these parts. And this is a journey I would love to make. I don't doubt that there will be a group of us, however small, who wouldn't mind making this journey too.

I also intend to use this in future recordings -- as I would any instrument I receive.

Much like with the bodhran and the harp, I have given this drum a name, on Sean's recommendation. I now call her Saoirse (pronounced SEER-sha), an Irish name which comes directly from the word for 'freedom' or 'liberty'.

I don't know what to expect out of the next year, but if I'm honest, I don't know how much worse they'll get. It's like those many Christmases where hunger, poverty and destitution aren't eradicated and we have more of the same each year. The idea is that we should become part of the solution to the world around us, but we don't have the fucking will, do we? And what I am going through is a small sliver in the world's upheavel right about now. People crying out for justice, but to no avail. Instead of blaming God or blaming other people, I have a big question to ask -- what are we doing to make this Christmas a good one, if at all?

Merry fucking Christmas, everybody. I'm out.

After four months of delays and handshakes with Steam, I am pleased to finally announce that Ley Lines has been released on Steam!

For those of you who are not aware, Ley Lines is the first video game I have scored to ever be released on Steam. Work on the soundtrack began in May and ended in July -- the game itself was in development for six months by the time I was approached with a request to score this game.

It's a production by a team of uni students. And for what it is, I have fallen in love, and I hope that you might like it too, for its strong and weak points. Anyway, download the game and lemme know what you folks think!

If you would like to download the soundtrack to this game, you can find it here.

Sorry once again for the inactivity. I come on when I can, do my moderator duties when I can, and the like. So much has been going on but relying on a data connection to post pictures and videos isn't gonna work. So in the rare instance when I can sit down on a computer with a stable connection, like right now, I could do with updating people about things.

So first off, I'd like to talk about the aftermath of that memory that resurfaced in late August. You know, that memory of me being raped.

Times are hard, but I'm not giving up. I tend to blame myself for what happened, only for everyone around me to remind me that I am the victim. The biggest thought that comes to mind is this-- was it even worth it telling the authorities I was raped knowing they cannot do anything about it? Is it even worth it doing so today knowing that a lot of rape victims aren't  going to get justice?

The police believe me but they just cannot get enough evidence to secure a conviction. Hundreds of rape victims are going through the same thing. It has most certainly been hard on those around me. But people still care for me, and I know I am loved.

I do not want vigilante justice against this person. I accept that he will be judged at the hour of death. All I ask is that he be contrite over what he has inflicted on me and others.

There is a fresh batch of YouTube videos on my channel from the October and November open mics. Not content with having attended October's open mic at Soundskills, I decided to go to the November one, which was labelled a 'post-Trump lament'. All of Britain, with the exception of Nigel fucking Farage, wanted Clinton -- but it's not ours to say. (Let's just hope that Trump remembers that the rest of the world matters as well, and not just America.)

I performed Wandering Sparrow (the incomplete version, anyway) for the first time there. Those of you who don't know, or haven't visited the audio forum or my music thread, Wandering Sparrow is a song about the North Korean kocchebi -- orphaned or abandoned street children who first existed during the years of the famine, and still exist to this day.

Seán and I went to Lancaster early in November. It didn't help that I was feeling insanely low then, so what was previously declared a Pokemon-free trip became a trip with copious amounts of Pokemon Go.

We visited the Priory, Lancaster Castle, and the Ashton Memorial which is this huge structure with a huge climb to get to. Magnificent views all around. Ashton Memorial honestly looks like it came straight off the set of live-action Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon (or, vice versa).

Those of you in Noo Yawk, you ever heard of the War of the Roses? Those of you who don't know, it was the war between Original!York and Original!Lancaster. Lancaster won and basically brought about the Tudors, which I suppose many people were regretting. I know there is a similar thing going on with sports on your end.

So remember back when the body of King Richard III was found? In a car park? He was the last Plantaganet (Stuart) king, of course because you had the War of the Roses and he was dead and all that. People were debating over the course of a few months how and where to bury him. His remains were ultimately interred in Leicester, but I remember discussing this with Seán. And his answer on the way to treat him was, "head on a pike on the top of Lancaster Castle!"

Seán is a Lancastrian, but even this response was too far. XD

The Harris Open is back again, and I've put in two pieces for this exhibition.

Those of you who haven't read previous posts from previous years, the Harris is this magnificent neoclassical building in the centre of Preston, and is also a public museum, library and art gallery. Every year around this time they do an exhibition open to public submissions called the Harris Open.

See if you recognise any of my previously submitted work on NG in these photos. 

Seán has a photo in there too, but for some reason, despite it being in landscape format, the Harris Museum authorities (or whichever nincompoop did this) thought that it was a great idea to depict a hand playing a bodhrán in PORTRAIT. WITH THE HAND STICKING OUT FROM THE BLOODY SKY. And leaves that defy gravity, incidentally. He has decided not to take a photo of it at this time because quite frankly, it is undesirable. XD

Putting a massive update dump for those who are wondering how I've been doing.

I've been taking to performing at open mic nights on a regular basis over the last five weeks, with a friend, Greg Slater. Those of you who have heard Somewhere Out There (the project file, since it was never properly released on Newgrounds) will recognise his Claptonesque guitar playing. Occasionally, a bassist friend, Nigel Coleman, joins in.

Normally we do it at a nearby pub -- the Wellington -- on Monday evenings.

(For those of you who don't already know, I also play ukulele now. Seán started teaching me but I shot past him in skill over the last few weeks. Also, following the Monday on which these photos were taken, one of the people who came to the open mic night gifted me with an electric uke -- acoustic-like, but with a contact mic and a quarter-inch jack port. Seán got me an amp to go with it, in one of our favourite places on earth, the car boot sale.)

Yesterday it was just Greg and myself though. Soundskills held their 29th(?) open mic night. It was my first, that's for dang sure. We performed a good few original numbers and a jam, which went down well with the audience, but Seán was only able to record a few of these.

Remember some time ago I mentioned a police investigation? Well, the investigation is inconclusive and the case has been dropped, but not without a caution towards the person who did this to me. It is a (historical) rape case. This person raped me, but was let off with a caution due to lack of / inconclusive evidence.

I understand the whole point of it; you need cold hard evidence if you're going to prove someone guilty beyond reasonable doubt. I'm still wound up about it though, still very distraught. Seán is shaken by it too. But as he told me earlier, not guilty =/= innocent. Between Seán, myself and my assailant, we all know what has happened. If he's too much of a coward to admit it, then it's on his conscience. I often find myself beating myself up for doing the right thing, i.e. reporting this to the police in spite of the high probability of something like this being inconclusive. I'm often deterred from doing the right thing now because of it.

One good thing I can derive from this is that I'm not alone. However few they may be, there have been people who have stood by me, and I thank the good Lord for them.

Seán and I have taken to doing various things together. 6 October marked three years since we first met, and it was a really special day for us.

One big thing we've been doing, because we felt we could, is restore the grave of Seán's maternal family (including his maternal grandparents and great-grandparents). It's taken us a month to get to where we are now, but to give you a quick summary -- we split the work over the course of several weeks. We need to find the gravesite, and then clean it up, and then take away the peeling letters, and finally touch up the site. Also, because there's not much space left on the headstone, two out of the names of six people buried there are not mentioned. We intend to right that.

The grave in its original state of disrepair.

And this is how it is now. Notice the MASSIVE difference in texture, colour and visibility of letters. While I helped with the paintwork, I had to take a break and used that break to take a shot of Seán at work.

Apologies for my absence. I know I had a lot of you worried about my welfare over the last month, but I was unable to reply in-depth up till now.

I cannot yet disclose what's going on and what had made me so suicidal at the start of August and sometimes even now. However, what I can say is that it's in the hands of the police and good people around me to help me.

For reasons of my safety, I've had to move away (not from Seán, but from someone else -- his mother's health is dwindling) to a new address, and I'm lacking a lot of my equipment. Production will be limited for the time being.

I'll still be on Skype as always, but I'm keeping myself to text and maybe perhaps audio chats. My uploads will be less frequent, and I will be relying on Seán to help me with uploads when they do come out. I will not be able to load WAVs over Instaudio. However, I should be able to resume my moderator duties. Seán has managed to hook me up with an internet connection via a MyFi defice. It's only 3G, but it gives me quite a bit of data.

The police are investigating what's happened. Suffice to say, I am the victim. One day, I hope to be able to tell you all the whole story. I am also receiving in-depth psychiatric help at this time.

The good news is, in spite of this new place (my friend's place) being messy and whatnot, he's a musician. Some of you may recognise his guitar playing from the Somewhere Out There project file. I have had quite a bit of healing while jamming alongside him and other musicians.

There is a drum kit here, but I'm unable to access it at this time. We're slowly clearing the mounds of stuff to get to it, though.

It's nothing new, and it's something that not I alone face.

I mentioned on my Newgrounds some time back that Seán’s mother has cancer. Well… We all knew it’s terminal, but a consultant’s letter we received recently says that the amount of time she has left is likely to be counted in months. And he didn’t (or couldn’t, I don’t know) tell her or Seán face to face.

Please pray for us now, or send good thoughts or vibes their way if you’re not the praying kind. Seán feels like he is sinking beneath the waves right about now, and I feel equally powerless. I cannot help but think that Seán's mother is feeling even more powerless in these circumstances.

So for them, and all who are suffering directly or indirectly as a result of cancer, I would be grateful if you could do this. I bet Seán and his mother would too. Thank you.

P.S.: Thinking also of @SoundChris and @dem0lecule.

Those of you whom I've added as friends on NG and have Steam accounts, or who would otherwise simply like to be friends with me on Steam, I'd like to hear from you.

I have been left absolutely seething with my last experience with FL 12. Newer doesn't always mean better, and it's especially true here.

Before anyone turns round and tell me it's the way of the future, let me just say that I download and installed FL 12 today and got horribly reminded of the reasons why I stayed away from FL 12 in the first place. Back when it was released, I had fears that it would be bad when they took away Fruity Soundfont Player for the 64-bit iteration. Now I've seen it for myself and I've seen enough:

• As I said above, Fruity Soundfont Player doesn't work in the 64-bit iteration. It does keep my data, of course, but it's not good enough now, is it? It tells you to open the 32-bit edition instead -- which, if you have been running an X64 system, is not readily available unless you burrow through drive C:/. It's almost like that person at the till in Tesco's or something who has been left waiting for 15 minutes, only to be told later that the till has problems. It's simply not good enough. Previous iterations of the software have supplied both the 32- and 64- bit versions in the Start menu, this one doesn't. But this is the least of my woes...

• Just because there is the option of downloading a free soundfont player, e.g. DSK SF2, doesn't mean that the sound quality is guaranteed to be spot-on. Compare the same piano in Threnody in C Minor versus this sample I recently exported. YES, IT'S. THE. SAME. PIANO. When I go for an Akai Steinway soundfont, I expect it to render well. If an external soundfont player cannot give me the kind of quality that supposedly worse first-party soundfont players can give, then what's the point of getting one?!
  • My composing habits are such that I make cracking stuff out of soundfonts, at least the vast majority of the time. About a smidgeon of my inventory consists of external plugins, and maybe Sytrus, one of the few other first-party generators I use regularly. While it may be a challenge to do something apart from using soundfonts (and the Fruity Soundfont Player), the fact still remains that I have a recognisable sound and composing style, one which people can tell is mine from several miles away. Take soundfont rendering away and you take away my sound.

• FL 12 decided to completely ignore those of us who work in more time signatures than just 4/4 and took off the beats-per-bar selector completely. Now you could turn round and tell me that this problem can be circumvented with the use of time markers, but TIME MARKERS ARE FOR FUCKING PLAYLISTS, NOT PIANO ROLLS. I do not want to be disconcerted throughout my experience of laying down patterns and selecting various instruments. I DO NOT WANT TO TAKE 20 MINUTES TO DO WHAT SHOULD HAVE TAKEN ONE SECOND TO COMPLETE.
  • ​Various pieces of mine are going to be in 3/4, 5/4, 6/8 or 9/8 and it seems that every other composer is neglected for the most common user who uses, pardon the pun, common time. What's worse is that any project of mine that runs in 3/4 or 6/8 time, for example, is going to be thrown completely out of wack when I run it on FL 12 -- as is to be expected!

• FL 12 has its own brightness setting. It may be useful to most people, but isn't to me because I have a habit of keeping my brightness at minimum. For those of us who are trying to save power, this feature isn't really welcome.

To its credit, FL 12 does do some good things:

• The Browser bar, which was just a mere hindrance in FL 11 and previous, is now an absolute doddle to use in FL 12 because you now drag and drop plugins from the Browser. Now technically, you could select plugins in the same manner as you did in previous versions of FL, i.e. by right-clicking a channel on your step sequencer, but the drag-and-drop option might be more convenient to some of us.
• The mixer, while significantly narrowed down, allows for TEN effects at a time. Ten! Not eight.
• I do not have experience with this, but apparently it's a lot easier to record and handle recordings on this version as well. Ask @Lich for more info -- I think he has the patience of several saints to be able to deal with this and I respect him very much for that.

Perhaps it's good I had that screen wipe, installed FL 12 and got this rude awakening. Now don't EVER ask me 10,000 times why I'm still sticking with FL 11. If later versions of FL actually deal with the problems I mentioned above, I would be most grateful -- but I've had enough of nightmarish composing experiences for a lifetime. It feels just as bad to me as watching something that has scarred me for life.

Just had an OS reinstall and a PC wipe, and while I backed up all my files, I'm taking time out to reinstall my programs and stuff. FL Studio and Sketchbook, in particular. Well, this'll take a while. Any restoration of music files, drawings, etc. will have to wait.

I've got to say though, this computer is running a lot faster now. Thanks for the help, Seán.